Today, I went to Akron & sat as my mom had surgery to hopefully remove a tumor that made its way into her shoulder bone. It was a very hard 2 hours for me, I didn’t realize how scared I was until the waiting began… Unfortunately, the surgeon wasn’t able to get to the tumor due to all of the inflammation without causing other issues. Today, we didn’t get an answer. After a frustrating & heartbreaking day, I lay here beside my mom wishing I knew why God was allowing Cancer to hurt her. Why is he allowing tumors to show up in the worst of places & why is he okay with this. I don’t understand and I never will but I believe this struggle has brought me closer to God because I have no choice but to believe there is a plan for this mess she is in. This quote has always reminded me of my mom because she is my “song bird” and this is so true. Please continue to pray for us, especially her as she will be facing some very difficult months ahead. I love you my best friend, my song bird. I will fight this fight with you.
I am typing this as we are on our way to Akron. Today is March 8, 2018 which means mom had a scan this past Monday. The scan showed that the new tumor in her head is in the front lobe and is the size of a half dollar. The oncologist and shoulder specialist met and decided they would go ahead with her surgery on her shoulder. She has a tumor in her shoulder and some other issues that are causing mom terrible pain. So today, we are on our way to Akron for moms surgery. The doctor is going to do what she can but their is a possibility that the tumor in her shoulder is too far into her bone so it may not be able to come out. We are just praying for relief for her at this point no matter what that means! I’m very thankful to my job who allowed me to unexpectedly have this day off. They just decided this week that the surgery would be today so we’ve prepared quickly! The first step is to help her with her shoulder and the next step is seeing a neurosurgeon. When the time comes for that, I think that will be the hardest thing we’ve gone through. Moms never actually had a surgery to remove the cancer before because they were always worried it would spread so even meeting with a neurosurgeon is not something I or especially she looks forward too. We just ask for prayers today to fix her shoulder, remove the tumor and give her some relief. I’ll let everyone know how she’s doing once we see her & hear from her doctor.
There’s nothing anyone can do about the fact that my mom has Cancer. She has had Cancer since I was three and all I’ve known is her with Cancer. Like I’ve said before, we hate talking about it because we’ve literally dealt with it our whole lives but it’s giving us no choice BUT to talk about it. My mom has been having some complications with shoulder pain. They thought the Cancer had spread to her bones so they did a scan of her whole body to make sure they did miss anything. Not only does she have a tumor in the back of her head but as of today, a larger tumor has made its way to the front of her head on the same side as the first tumor. Her bones look okay but her head does not.
I call this blog post the unknown because we have absolutely no idea what to do next. Mom goes in for a repeat scan on March 5 to see how invasive and aggressive it is. I don’t know how much more of this my family can take but this is all happening way too fast. Shes been doing chemo for what seems like forever, switched medications, has done different trials and still nothing is helping her. She refusing to give up and I admire her for that because I’m not ready for her to go. I pray to God that he saves her from this. I need her! Please pray for my family and for my mom, Amy if you read this. Please!
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you and your lovers!! 💋🌹❤️😍💌🍾
If you don’t know by now, music is what feeds my soul. I’ve always liked playing sports but at the end of the day, I was singing or humming or harmonizing. A song that has spoken to my heart for a little while now is the one I’m sharing with you in the link above. I want to tell you why it speaks to me so clearly in hopes that it will also inspire you.
Kari Jobe is one of my absolute favorite Christian worshippers and her husband, Cody Carnes is also amazing. They have a beautiful son, Canyon and are the picture perfect family. Every family has tragedies, difficulties, struggles and hardships they go through sometimes alone and sometimes together. Some families may look picture perfect, but we ALL have our own stories that we choose to share or that we don’t choose to share. Kari shared one of her stories at her concert this past year and continues to share it in multiple interviews.
Kari Jobe has a sister named Kris who happened to be pregnant around the same time Kari was pregnant with her son. Unfortunately, her sister had complications and unexpectedly lost the baby. The baby girl entered the gates of Heaven being seven and a half months old. Kris delivered her daughter still born as Kari continued to carry her four month old son in her womb. The baby girl had been named. That name was James Ivy. Canyon Carnes (Kari & Cody’s son) came into the world on February 18, 2016.
Kari says this in one of her many interviews about this song:
“I wrote this song two weeks after having a funeral for my niece who went to be with Jesus before we ever got to meet her. It was such a sensitive and raw time for my family. I was navigating still being pregnant myself, but grieving for my sister’s loss and the disappointment of God not healing her or answering the prayers we had prayed during that time.”
This is what Kari said during an interview about her song and what it means to her. It’s a heartbreaking yet beautiful statement that I wanted to share with you.
“The Garden captures the raw emotion of truth. Truth of pain and sorrow that feels like it could swallow you up and suffocate you. There are moments we experience in life that knock the wind out of us and cause us to question exactly what God is up to.”
“God used a garden in my backyard to help me remember that He is always at work to turn EXTREMELY difficult situations into beauty. Everything we do in this life, on this side of Heaven, is kingdom oriented. There will always be pruning, planting, watering, and growth. Different seasons have different experiences, but God is ALWAYS up to something beautiful. Questions rise up at times that cause us to cry out to the Lord for answers.”
I love that. My heart aches for that. Kari and her husband purchased a home and after the loss of their niece, Kari looked out her kitchen window while holding Canyon in her arms, noticing an overgrown garden. They decided to let it be so they could see what it would bring to them. She decided to finally go see this overgrown garden and that’s when she noticed- thick, green, lacy Ivy was growing over the archway into the garden. Ivy is one of the most resilient plants, overcoming harsh situations and climates. That had been planted years prior allowing Kari to feel as if it was a sign from God. A sign allowing her to know that his plans are GOOD.
Every time I play that song The Garden, I cant help by think of my mom and the situation I can’t control. All I can do is pray to God. Every night, the first thing I do is ask God to save my mom and remind him of how much I need her, my dad, I ask him to change my brothers life and then I go on thanking him for my life, for my Vince and for others.. I remember finding out my moms Cancer spread this last year. You think I’d be use to it by now but for some reason, I just had this ache in my heart that led me to lash out a little more than normal. I don’t think it was the fact that her Cancer had spread, I think it was the fact that it had spread to one of the most important parts of my moms body that got me. I got into my car and didn’t know where I was even going to go but I played this song until I couldn’t take it anymore (which took hours), crying, begging and yelling. I felt relieved after the hours of listening because I felt like I knew God was in control.
Some of the best people I know have gone through some of the most horrible, heart breaking and awful things. Friends I know have dealt with a loved ones having Cancer, losing someone to Cancer or are battling Cancer themselves. I know families who are dealing with addiction and abuse. I know families who have unexpectedly lost a loved one. I know families who are grieving and hurt. I know families of drug addicts who are begging for a change. I know families who are going through a hard time in their marriage and thinking divorce. I know children who are being bullied. I know children who have taken their own lives. I know parents who can’t have babies who desperately want nothing more than to have a family. I know single mothers struggling and I know single fathers struggling! I know beautiful people whose vulnerability and innocence has been taken from them, unwillingly. I know families who are homeless, broken and lost. I know friends and family who struggle with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorders, anger management and other mental disorders they can’t control without help. God is your help.
I am asking you not too give up on him, I know I’ve came close but I also know that I couldn’t do what I’m doing now if I gave up on him. I also know some of you “not so nice people out there” are thinking “who are you, a 21 year old whose barely lived her life to give any kind of advice on trusting God when she’s so young. Well let me tell you, I’ve been through more than I can handle as a 21 year old and if I didn’t have Jesus Christ by my side through it on, I would have NEVER been able to get through this life. I may be 21 but I have been through enough to tell you that you can not do this life without him. I have spent some of my life feeling used, feeling unworthy, being depressed, dealing with horrible anxiety, (and the hardest thing) I have watched my best friend who happens to be my mom face death MULTIPLE times, you watch my family crumble and you go through what I have and then tell me, I can’t write what I’m writing right now. The deepest waters you go through, he will be there. He wants to be there, he wants to love you, hold you, support you, and be your heavenly father if you just let him. I know you feel like he doesn’t listen, trust me I know. I just have to continue to think he does because my prayers have been answered so far, my mom is still here with me. My mom is my Ivy. If you haven’t seen your Ivy yet, just wait…
One of Kari’s final remarks in her interview in this,
“Open your heart to God and give your life over to Him. He gives mercy, life, forgiveness, and so much more. I would dare to say that if you’ve never felt this from God, that God isn’t the savior of your life. His word says, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to You” (James 4:8).”
So there you have it, the reason I play that song everyday is because it reminds me that through all the crap we deal with in this life, God will show us something beautiful in the end. Wait on it and you too, will see your Ivy.
I do not own the rights to this song or pictures used in this blog
Being back on the stage tonight made my heart feel free and my soul feel on fire. I took a step back from singing so I could focus on other things that I thought were more important but once I’m on that stage again, I know it’s one of my MOST important things I have in this life. It makes the hard things not seem as hard. Worshipping frees my insides and just makes my mind so open so Jesus. Jesus is all I feel when I’m holding my mic and that’s everything to me. That’s the feeling I need. We do many events throughout the year at my home church. Two weeks and counting until we have our Women’s Conference. It’s an all day experience of testimonies from beautiful women who have strong stories, who have overcome battles that words can’t describe and who have stories of strength that inspire you. It’s a perfect day of wonderful things and Jesus is present. I’m excited to be back up there not only worshipping but singing beside my mom. She’s the reason my faith is so strong and the reason I haven’t given up on God when things seem to hard. Tonight, was a good night and one I am thankful for!
Two words that have described this year are the title of this blog. One thing after another keeps tumbling down. Everyday, it’s something new that breaks my heart a little more. Anxiety has taken over my life. My new doctor has been absolutely the best in helping me get a grip on this mess but holy moly, it’s been very hard. Starting with Zoloft, switching to Prozac to try to get some mental relief has been helpful but when everything just goes wrong, it’s hard for even the medication to help. I’ve handled Anxiety & Depression since high school. I’ve dealt with it and then the world came crashing down as the ball dropped. 2018 was suppose to be a good year. Many good things happened before the new year that made me excited for the new year. Everyone has issues that go on throughout their lives and it’s easier (for me, at least) to go through them while typing or reading/seeing similar situations. We recently found out some bad news in a few areas of our life that makes things hard. With always being quite about certain aspects of my life, it’s hard to go into detail about how I feel because no one knows what bad things have happened. One of the things that is causing some stress in my life that I can talk about is my job. I fell on the ice leaving work in early January, falling on my knee and slamming my head onto the ground. I have not been able to return to work since that day. It’s been incredibly stressful and hard on us. The doctors don’t think I’m ready to be back due to some signs my eyes and head are showing still. I’m on medication and need rest but it’s been hard with owning a house. I am thankful to Vince, who has worked so hard everyday of his life to become successful. He has been able to take care of everything for us which I am so grateful for. That’s not the worst thing that’s going on. Trust me, I have more and it’s heart breaking. At this time, I just need to ask for prayers for my family. We have a lot to go through and it’s going to be a hard year. My injury will heal soon and I’ll hopefully be back to work next week but the other things that have happened aren’t so easy. We don’t know much yet other than we need God in everything that’s going on. I have to trust in God no matter how hard that is right now. The one person I care the most about in my life is going through awful things that no one can change and that may not get better. The other person I care about has made a decision on his own. He felt as if it was the only choice he had and he broke our hearts. We pray that he can serve his time & change his life. He is loved and cared about and we hope he sees that soon. God, we need you today & everyday! Please, pray for my family. Goodnight friends & God Bless!