One and done!

Trimester One is finally done! It seemed like it took forever but I think that’s because I was constantly sick. I felt really good at first, no issues, mild cramping but nothing too crazy. As the weeks went by, that’s when I started to get worse. Everyone has told me it gets better as the weeks go by but for me it was honestly opposite. I felt great at first and than the sickness started. It wasn’t just morning sickness, it was every hour, every time I thought of food or even water sickness. I had a hard time wanting to eat or feeling hungry. My doctors kept pushing me to eat because I haven’t gained any weight since the first appointment I had. Our babies heart beat is now in the 130s so I really think it’s a boy. My whole family and Brice thinks it’s a girl so we will see sooner than later!! I feel the weeks flying by! I’m now into my first week of the second trimester and feeling pretty good! I have a little belly and am eating more. I’ve been drinking more and am able to keep it down. My mom has helped me so much and I couldn’t be more thankful for her. We have spoiled this baby so much already and she has given us more than enough. Of course, this pregnancy hasn’t been 100% easy, no pregnancy is but I think the worst thing during my pregnancy would be my stress. A year ago today, I would have never thought my life would have changed this drastically. I often wonder why people change the way they do into the person they said they’d never be. I look back on times where I knew what I wanted in my life and now my story has completely changed. My life goals are not the same, not in a bad way but they’re just different from what they once were. I have to live my life for this baby in my belly and that’s my priority in life now. I didn’t expect to be a mom this early in life but God has a much bigger plan for my life than I thought. We are still waiting on some big news that will absolutely change our lives. Hopefully we hear that in the next couple of months and we’ll be able to make our decisions quickly and do what’s best for our family. We go back to the doctor in about a month for a weight check up on myself to see if I’m handling food better and than 6 weeks from today, we will find out if we are having a baby boy or baby girl. We still have our boy name but we still have absolutely no idea for our girl name. My mom, Brice and I have thought of hundreds and just can’t find the right one. I still think it’s a boy even though I’ve been sick so maybe we don’t need to worry about the girl name but if it is a girl, I’m in trouble. I can’t pick the perfect girl name. I told my mom I’d have to have her and than let the nurses pick her name because I honestly have no clue and baby books aren’t helping. In this next trimester, I am most excited for the big news we’ve waiting for months to hear, my home town street fair where I can eat so much food and planning our baby shower. I can’t wait to celebrate this bundle of joy with our closest friends and family!

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A Blessing

As you can tell from my recent posts, my life has been absolutely crazy lately. Since the end of April, my life did a complete 360. I ended a relationship I tried so hard to fix, I lost friends and family due to them not understanding it’s my happiness I chose, I lost my dog, a home, myself at times and almost my life. Now Almost 2 months later I can say I know the reason God kept me alive through all of that mess-I am going to be come a mom. I am pregnant. Brice and I were married at the end of April in which we kept to ourselves and ended up pregnant by July. I know I was in a relationship for 4 years, broke it off and was instantly married to someone else. I did not have a relationship with Brice prior to our past when I was 15. They says when you know, you know and I knew I didn’t want to lose Brice forever again. He’s also in the army so I’m order for me to be able to go with him, we needed to be married. No one knew we were married for about a month. We lived in a tough situation at first but always made it through. By the grace of god we are in the cutest apartment, Brice has a wonderful job, i have three cats including Pippa who lived with me during my previous relationship. I now have Chester and Piper who love me so much. I have a healthy growing baby in my belly that we can’t wait to meet. My family is very excited and are buying everything already! Today, we heard the heartbeat and it was 159. Brice swears it’s a girl but I just feel like it’s a boy! We do have our boy name but are throwing a few girl names around! I was suppose to be ten weeks today but the baby measured small so I am 9 weeks! The baby looks like a little gummy bear and almost looked like it was waving. I heard the heartbeat and cried. It was very real and gave me a purpose. We are currently waiting to hear big news. We are starting over and absolutely can’t wait for the next chapter of our lives with our little one. I honestly did a lot of this on my own and with Brice but I’m all about giving chances for my friends and family to be in this baby life. It deserves love and I’m happy to see some of my family coming around and loving us! Baby Bradley is due March 2019!

The day I wanted my life to end. May 7, 2018.

I want to share this and I’m not sure I should but right in this moment I want too. Life was too hard and I gave up, I didn’t want to live without certain people in my life (my parents especially because they were not happy with me making a decision to not live with them and be with Brice so suddenly. The decision to do what I did had nothing to do with Vince, It was me decision to leave him and I am so glad I did) so I made a decision, I tried to commit suicide May 7, 2018. I took a whole bottle of pills hoping it wouldn’t wake me up the next morning. I cried begging God to make it not hurt which is awful because taking your life is a sin but I just hoped God understood my pain enough to understand why I was doing what I was doing. After I cried, laying on the grass by myself for awhile, I realized nothing was happening to me and got scared. It was over the time frame of 3 hours. I called the only one I’ve had recently, Brice and he came right away. He sped me to the hospital carrying me in yelling to the workers that I swallowed a large amount of medication. I stayed in the hospital and was moved to a treatment facility after I had a seizure and my throat tried to close multiple times. I don’t remember much but I do remember telling the one who was by my side day and night and the doctors that I wanted to die and to stop trying to save me. I was done with this life, I was selfish and couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to die and I didn’t want saved but I was. For some reason, I took 3,600 milligrams of medication and am alive and fine. I struggle still but realize I have many reasons to live and I also have people who love me and want me to live. I’m with loved ones who care for me and that’s what I need to keep moving forward. I’ve always believed in God and will continue to believe and trust in him, I ask for prayers as I continue moving forward and finding the strength to change my life and move on. I can’t thank my friends and loved ones for the love that you’ve shown me. I didn’t think I’d share this but something in my heart is telling me too tonight. I’m here for a reason and my life was saved. I’m thankful.

Another Chapter Ends

I made a decision to live my life for myself and not for anyone else. With that being said, just a little update for you all. I am not longer engaged or in the relationship I was in. I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 4 years and I had to get out. I was alone and couldn’t take it anymore. I tried so hard to love him but it wasn’t like before after he cheated on me back in September. I thought staying with him would fix things, I thought living in the same house with him would fix things and I thought saying yes to a proposal would fix things but I was so wrong. I didn’t want to stay in that life anymore so I made the decision to leave all of that behind.. God always gives you what you need and after that experience, he brought Brice into my life. Brice has been one of my good friends forever. We use to go swimming together when we were younger and I was always close with his sisters. I saw him when I was out with a friend at a local bar so I thought I would say Hey. It was a little awkward because we use to have a thing for each other but as the night went on, things fell into place. Yes, it happened quickly but I have never felt more safe or secure. I am happy with my life. I had a horrible experience on May 7, but I will explain that later. Every since getting out of the hospital and even before that on May 14, Brice hasn’t left my side and is the man I never want to leave my side. Of course this scares me but I also know that this is the kind of relationship I deserve to be in. I deserve to be happy and for once in my life, I choose to be happy. We’ve always had some type of love for each other but didn’t think we’d ever be together. It’s crazy how life works because he is now mine and i am forever his.

The emotionally abused chapter of my life is over and I’ve never been more okay!

Song Bird

Today, I went to Akron & sat as my mom had surgery to hopefully remove a tumor that made its way into her shoulder bone. It was a very hard 2 hours for me, I didn’t realize how scared I was until the waiting began… Unfortunately, the surgeon wasn’t able to get to the tumor due to all of the inflammation without causing other issues. Today, we didn’t get an answer. After a frustrating & heartbreaking day, I lay here beside my mom wishing I knew why God was allowing Cancer to hurt her. Why is he allowing tumors to show up in the worst of places & why is he okay with this. I don’t understand and I never will but I believe this struggle has brought me closer to God because I have no choice but to believe there is a plan for this mess she is in. This quote has always reminded me of my mom because she is my “song bird” and this is so true. Please continue to pray for us, especially her as she will be facing some very difficult months ahead. I love you my best friend, my song bird. I will fight this fight with you.

Akron

I am typing this as we are on our way to Akron. Today is March 8, 2018 which means mom had a scan this past Monday. The scan showed that the new tumor in her head is in the front lobe and is the size of a half dollar. The oncologist and shoulder specialist met and decided they would go ahead with her surgery on her shoulder. She has a tumor in her shoulder and some other issues that are causing mom terrible pain. So today, we are on our way to Akron for moms surgery. The doctor is going to do what she can but their is a possibility that the tumor in her shoulder is too far into her bone so it may not be able to come out. We are just praying for relief for her at this point no matter what that means! I’m very thankful to my job who allowed me to unexpectedly have this day off. They just decided this week that the surgery would be today so we’ve prepared quickly! The first step is to help her with her shoulder and the next step is seeing a neurosurgeon. When the time comes for that, I think that will be the hardest thing we’ve gone through. Moms never actually had a surgery to remove the cancer before because they were always worried it would spread so even meeting with a neurosurgeon is not something I or especially she looks forward too. We just ask for prayers today to fix her shoulder, remove the tumor and give her some relief. I’ll let everyone know how she’s doing once we see her & hear from her doctor.

The Unknown

There’s nothing anyone can do about the fact that my mom has Cancer. She has had Cancer since I was three and all I’ve known is her with Cancer. Like I’ve said before, we hate talking about it because we’ve literally dealt with it our whole lives but it’s giving us no choice BUT to talk about it. My mom has been having some complications with shoulder pain. They thought the Cancer had spread to her bones so they did a scan of her whole body to make sure they did miss anything. Not only does she have a tumor in the back of her head but as of today, a larger tumor has made its way to the front of her head on the same side as the first tumor. Her bones look okay but her head does not.

I call this blog post the unknown because we have absolutely no idea what to do next. Mom goes in for a repeat scan on March 5 to see how invasive and aggressive it is. I don’t know how much more of this my family can take but this is all happening way too fast. Shes been doing chemo for what seems like forever, switched medications, has done different trials and still nothing is helping her. She refusing to give up and I admire her for that because I’m not ready for her to go. I pray to God that he saves her from this. I need her! Please pray for my family and for my mom, Amy if you read this. Please!